The 7lb Annuity
I was reading an interesting article about young men getting vasectomies along with using condoms for birth control. The article puts it as a way for “men to take more responsibility for birth control”, a way of controlling the reproductive consequences of sex. It’s an interesting idea. I was immediately reminded of a funny story I read a few years back (sorry for the long quote, it’s worth it).
I’ll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago: I got a vasectomy. I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.
I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.
We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.
Four months into dating, I get the “I’m pregnant” talk. She’s going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married “for the baby”. She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.
At this point, I’m just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse “oops” on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can’t think beyond their own uteri.
So I wait a couple of days to “think about all this.” I meet her again. I say I don’t want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batsh*t insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.
Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I’m laughing hysterically.
It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a “negative test result for sperm” to show I’m sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I’m ready.
I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.
She’s all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. “Are you sure that this baby is mine?”
Well, she goes batsh*t insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she’s really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she’s a slut. I’m just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities… blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I’m not really mad. I’m kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won’t shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.
I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.
I tell her simply, “You’re screwed”.
Her look doesn’t change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.
I continue. “I am sterile”
Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women’s logic. “You’re full of sh*t. You’re trapped and you know it.”
I hold up the letter and the test results. “Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine.”
This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. “Bullsh*t, those are fakes.”
I was ready for that. “No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It’s a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine.”
I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It’s a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.
I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.
Epilogue -
I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.
The Moral of the Story -
Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
Ha ha, 7lb annuity, that’s awesome.
Now this isn’t to say that all girls are biological clock watching baby mongers, far from it. The simple fact remains that if you have a child your life will change (either for the good or for the bad). These men are simply taking their reproductive future into their own hands. That can’t be that bad.
–Doug Stein, a doctor in Florida who has performed more than 17,000 vasectomies over the past 30 years
Now I’m sorry for more quotes, but there was some really interesting stuff in the comments of the main article and I want to give them voice.
Justcontent
Jul 23, 2008 11:31:15 PMGentlemen, notice how the harpies that have chimed in make no distinction between promiscuous sterilized men that don’t use condoms, and promiscuous sterilized men who do use condoms.
This is because the no-condom issue is a front for what is TRULY boiling their black harpy blood: Men exercising their reproductive rights WITHOUT the consent or approval of a woman!
Reproduction is central to a woman’s identity -whether they want to be a bio mother or not. As such, women -consciously or unconsciously- have a twisted sense of carte blanche about the issue; to the degree that they view a man who autonomously makes a decision about his fertility as an infringement upon their reproductive rights.
Disgusting.The fair and just equation should read as such: HER BODY, HER CHOICE.
HIS BODY, HIS CHOICE.But what the harpies want is an equation reads: HER BODY, HER CHOICE.
HIS BODY, HER CHOICE.Let the harpies scream bloody murder if they will.
As long as a man takes charge of his fertility, he need not be concerned with what a woman says or thinks about reproduction. At the very least he need not worry about being oopsed. ,
By the way gentlemen, know this: of those who would have you believe that oopsing is a
rare occurrence, the majority are, and will be -women.
ack78
Jul 9, 2008 1:32:25 PM“Why should women be in control of when—and if—they have children?”
Um, maybe because they are the ones who have to carry the kid around for 9 months and deal with the nausea, weight gain, and aches and pains, not to mention the excruciating birth, and they are the ones who will most likely have to raise the kid alone if their father decides to bail. If these guys are so “sick of it”, as your article claims, maybe they should wear a condom (which, by the way, also protects against STDs, unlike the quickie vasectomies you’re advertising as though it’s a trendy thing to do). It takes two people to make a baby, not just a woman trying to trick a man.
BittyMonkey
Jul 15, 2008 9:08:15 AMUm, men use condoms because they would not be liking the STDs that result from unprotected sex, not because they want to ride bareback all the time. Way to make men sound like idiots.
Seems to me a guy taking control of his own fertility is being completely responsible, not irresponsible.
Oh, and newsflash, writer: Michael Scott is not real and where are your stats citing that men will “regret” it?
vciaccio
Jul 16, 2008 10:28:05 PMI was interviewed for this article.
Safe sex is unrelated to vasectomy. I have no doubts that when a man is speaking to his doctor about the procedure, his doctor emphasizes this point. I know mine did.
Many of the commenters here seem to be thinking only of single, completely unattached men having casual sex. This completely ignores committed relationships, a situation in which safe sex becomes less of an issue (assuming monogamy) and pregnancy becomes the bigger threat.
I have known I did not want to be a father since my late teens. The prospect of accidental pregnancy was an ever-present threat, making sex far from enjoyable and by no means spontaneous. My sex life with my wife is far better than it would be if the specter of accidental pregnancy was still hanging over us.
August 13th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Down with procreation! Hooray for vasectomy!