Massage him! Finish me!

Happy September 11th everyone!

Posted in Art, Funny, Games, Scary, Webcomics | No Comments »

A chartreuse kangaroo? Who ever heard of such a thing!?

I found it, I finally found it. Woo ha, got you all in check.

Posted in Art, Awesome, Funny, Music, Scary | No Comments »

Speaker for the Moral Majority

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One of the most prolific science fiction writers and my favorite authors has show his true colors. Orson Scott Card has recently written an article in the Mormon Times about how we, as a nation, should rise up and overthrow the government to prevent gay marriage from becoming law. It’s more than a little shocking to see this kind of rhetoric coming from such an (otherwise) brilliant man. I believe he may have what is clinically referred to as “asshole, stuck in his ways, old man syndrome” or (SIHWOMS).

How long before married people answer the dictators thus: Regardless of law, marriage has only one definition, and any government that attempts to change it is my mortal enemy. I will act to destroy that government and bring it down, so it can be replaced with a government that will respect and support marriage, and help me raise my children in a society where they will expect to marry in their turn.

It’s upsetting to think that someone as creative and open-minded as Orson Scott Card can be a closed-minded bigot with little remorse for a group of people who have not only haven’t harmed him but have been lining his pockets by buying his works. Overthrow the government over something as benign as gay marriage? You crazy, you crazy. He needs to get off his pulpit and go back to writing about how one idea can change the world for the better, not how it can destroy it.

It is an exceptionally narrow view to think that allowing gays to marry will be the downfall of marriage.

The pretext is that state constitutions require it — but it is absurd to claim that these constitutions require marriage to be defined in ways that were unthinkable through all of human history until the past 15 years. And it is offensive to expect us to believe this obvious fiction.

Homosexual behavior has been around for a VERY long time, much longer than the Mormon Church. It has been celebrated for centuries and has only recently become vilified. Same-sex marriages have been recorded all the way back to the Romans and have been thought to exist before recorded history. Applying insular ideals towards people you don’t even know is not Christian, it’s wrong. Christianity is about love and hope, not advancing your own agenda.

I believe that Michael Swaim has said it best.

I hope to continue enjoying his works, but it will be with a giant asterisk. This is as bad or worse as when Bradbury said Fahrenheit 451 wasn’t about censorship (You can’t apply your current morals to your past morals in a revisionist way Mr. Bradbury. You can’t.). I hope that he will change his stripes. I’ll wait a long time.

Posted in Books, Interesting, Rant, Scary | 2 Comments »

Religious tracts - Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn

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I love religious tracts. They’re one of my favorite things in the world. You might know them as those short and wide pamphlets the crazies are always handing out. You know the ones! They might tell you that you’re going to hell and will get AIDS for having pre-martial sex. Maybe they’ll tell you that all homosexuals have AIDS and are going to commit blood-terrorism! Perhaps you were wondering “Who murdered Clarice?!” Liberals are turning good Christians into social pariahs for not loving teh homogays!

Don’t think that Catholics get out of the sight of the wise and knowing eye of these tracts. Did you know that Mary cries whenever someone prays to her or that Catholics aren’t even christians? It would seem that the Eucharist is a Death Cookie! Even COMPLETE LOSERS LIKE JIMMY can be redeemed. Also, don’t put your faith in Presidente Carlos for in doing so you turn your heart from the lord.

Needless to say, these people are insane. But they don’t know what real horror is! I present to you the best religious tract of all time, The Cthulhu Tract. This is singlehandedly the greatest piece of literature on religion ever created. That’s not conjecture, it’s fact. Give the whole thing a read. If you do not you will not be aware of your hopeless existence of unendingly painful insanity in the face of the cosmic truths of the universe which your puny intellect can’t possibly fathom!

Posted in Art, Awesome, Books, Funny, Interesting, Scary | 2 Comments »

I’m irresponsible with money!

Doug sent me a messed up video about honey, give it a watch.

Isn’t that the most messed up thing you have seen in a while? I think watching cakefarts or even puddingfarts(both are not even CLOSE to SFW) is better than that. What does it feel like to be the girl who only sings backup? Did she cry herself to sleep when she didn’t get the lead role in the commerical? So I, of course, bought some Maharishi Vedic Organic Honey for Doug because I am irresponsible with money. It’s on the way buddy. Save some for me!

From the item description:

This zesty yet sweet taste will satisfy the most discriminating palette. Produced from August to October, with influences from Simha Rashi (Leo) and Kanya Rashi (Virgo). Has a nourishing effect on the:
• optic nerve and the sense of sight
• sense of taste, facial nerve and facial expressions

“Captures the lemony freshness of early fall.”
“Like a bouquet of flowers.”

Posted in Awesome, Food, Funny, Scary | 1 Comment »

Only the best

Once a month the best-of-craigslist comes out. Usually it is just full of gay men talking about how people need to have their buttholes waxed or people complaining about how there are too many people in the personal pages that are degenerates. I have three favorites. One if from a while back and the other two are new this month.

The first one is entitled “Fingered on the RED line - Columbia University - w4m” and it is wonderful.

Fingered on the RED line - Columbia University - w4m

Date: 2008-02-07, 12:06PM EST

Hi!

We were on the RED local line, I got on at 14th Street, you were already on the train. I got off at Columbia University 116th. Around 5PM. It was very crowded and you were behind me. We talked awkwardly while you were still behind my back, pushed into each other. I told you I hate being an undergrad, we connected. You ended up fingering me while no one else was noticing. I didn’t get your full e-mail. If you see this, let me know. I hope you do! I miss you.

This second one is curt. It is also probably one of the funniest things I have ever read on craigslist. It is called “josh from the frat house on 15th - w4m”

josh from the frat house on 15th - w4m

Date: 2008-06-19, 11:24AM EDT

I’m pregnant

My favorite one is definitely not safe for work so edge in close to the screen while reading it if you need to. “Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w”

Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w

Date: 2008-07-02, 2:35PM EDT

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, “MORE”, “HARDER”, “YES”, “FUCK ME”, but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like “OH GOD”, “YES”, OR “IT HURTS” no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like “Thanks”, “It was great”, “I loved it”, “Don’t stop”

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

I think the worst part of the last one is that it was written in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. The same day that Amelia Earhart went missing. Have a heart man!

Posted in Funny, Scary | No Comments »

You can thank Derek for this one.

Derek sent me a video that I just had to put up here. I’m sorry in advance but this is a full on lollercaust.

Posted in Funny, Scary | 1 Comment »

Chase No Face

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Chase No Face is the story of a cat. It’s the story of a very special cat. It’s the story of a cat with no face. When questioned about not having a face she replied, “Iz not so grate, aktually”. Lucky for you I have collected a few of my favorite pictures of chase. It’s actually a pretty endearing story about a cat who was rescued and lives with a loving family. I like to think that’s why I’m putting this up on the blags but I really just like looking at the pictures.

My name is Chase. I am 2 years and 3 months old. When I was 3-6 weeks old, in June 2005, I was hit by a car and left in the road. A young man heard my cries after a few days and came to my rescue. He brought me to the Chevy Chase Animal Clinic and gave the doctors some money to do what they could for me and hopefully find me a home. A new vet tech, Melissa, was working there. The doctors informed her she would get to care for me. She took me in and would take me home at night and on weekends to give me extra care that I needed while I recovered. I ended up having a back leg amputated and over the summer my nose and, eyelids, and skin from my face sloughed off from the trauma of the accident. The wonderful doctors sent me and Melissa to the University of Tenn Vet Hospital for 2 rounds of plastic surgery. Unfortunately neither attempt was successful. I would have to live looking different than my other kitty friends. I adjusted fast and even though I don’t have eyelids I can still sleep just fine but I prefer to go to a dark room or under the bed. My caretaker, Melissa, ended up switching jobs and then relocating to a different state. I happily have become her “baby” and she takes care of me still to this day as a member of her family. I need a bit of special attention to keep my eyes in good shape. I get artificial tears applied to them 3-4 times daily, as well as antibiotic drops and steroid drops as needed. I have GREAT vision and love to catch flies and crickets! My face looks pink but it is just tissue and the fur will never grow back. I am NOT IN ANY PAIN! I am a very loving and friendly cat. I love to meet new dogs and cats and really like to lick them. This got me in trouble when I was a clinic cat at the vet’s office. Not all the dogs wanted to meet me. But often I would curl up with the sick animals in their cages and keep them company.
This is just an introduction to me and my family. I will try to keep you posted in my daily obsticles and fun filled days as often as possible.
Love and Meows,
Chase the cat

Posted in Awesome, Funny, Scary | 2 Comments »

Worst idea ever? I’m MADD about this!

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A police officer in uniform walked into 20 classrooms at El Camino High School in California and announced that several students had been killed in car wrecks over the weekend.

The hoax was intended to teach the dangers of drink-driving.

But the scare tactic backfired when some students, who were not told that it was a stunt for two hours, became hysterical and wept uncontrollably.

Is this an acceptable way to teach high school students about the perils of drunk driving: tell all of them a prominent student died in an alcohol-related car crash and then let them believe he is dead for several hours before revealing the truth, he’s alive! It seems a bit… heavy-handed.

There are other programs about drunk driving taking place in high schools called Every 15 Minutes (no I will not link you past the flash intro, you will sit through it and you will like it.). In Every 15 Minutes a student is pulled from class every 15 minutes (to represent that in America someone dies from an alcohol-related car accident*) and then their eulogy is read by their parents at an assembly later in the day. The idea is to show the mortal ramifications of drinking and driving. It’s morbid, sure, but at least no one ACTUALLY THINKS THE KIDS ARE DEAD**.

Imagine this happening to an adult. You call Miss Tauber (I assume she’s not married because she is evil) at home and tell her that her kindergartner ate bleach, turned blue and died. Once she gets to the hospital you take her into the morgue to show her the body the kid comes running around the corner. It’s a lesson in what it is like to lose a child. Do you think she has a right to be angry? You bet your ass she does, and no amount good intention will save you from the impending lawsuit.

Another interesting fact is that all of the fabricated stories about dead students didn’t have ANYTHING to do with the students drinking. All of the accidents were caused BY drunk drivers. The students weren’t drinking. Read that again, the students were not drinking and driving in these “accidents”. Cpt. Tim on BoingBoing nails it.

The most screwed up thing about this is that the story told was that their friends were hit BY a drunk driver. So it wasn’t even something that was preventable by not drinking and driving.

The lesson? Don’t be killed by a drunk driver.

They might as well have taken them aside one by one and told them that their mothers had been raped and murdered to demonstrate the dangers involved in being raped and murdered.

Why did they do this again? They should be fucking ecstatic that none of the students killed themselves because their best friend or boyfriend/girlfriend died. High schoolers are a wacky bunch and you shouldn’t go toying with their emotions. You shouldn’t “want them to be traumatized”.

*a number that seems a bit low if you ask me
**I still think they should spend their time on other activities, but this is preferable.

Posted in Interesting, Rant, Scary | 3 Comments »

DB [Dattebayo] Halting Fansubbing Production Indefinitely, Effective Immediately

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Woah. WOAH! Hold on now! They’re taking away my Bleach and I’m not sure I can handle that emotionally.

I can understand their reasons though. They want to remain obscure so the big corporations don’t bring down the hammer on fansubs in general. People have been taking Dattebayo’s (the main Bleach and Naruto fansub group) work and publishing it on the Youtubes. That’s fine, I guess. They’d better get back to work soon though or I’ll write an angry letter to my senator.

Which is why Dattebayo has decided that we will put a hold on all our subtitled episode releases until the uploaders comply. We’ve been way too nice so far by letting this issue slide, but this is the end. Here’s our (repeated) request to everyone who butchers our work by uploading it to streaming sites. STOP. If you’re an uploader, please DO NOT UPLOAD DATTEBAYO SUBS to any more streaming sites. If you’re guilty of doing this in the past, and your streaming site account is still valid, GO AND DELETE ALL THE DATTEBAYO VIDEOS WHICH BELONG TO YOUR ACCOUNT. We NEVER gave ANYONE permission to upload our work to ANY STREAMING SITE. If you’re not an uploader and want to help, flag our work you find on streaming sites as copyright infringement, send private message to uploader asking to remove content, etc. This is probably futile due to immense amount of idiots who are unable to read yet are able to figure out how to click “upload” button, but it doesn’t hurt to try.

Posted in Interesting, Rant, Scary, Shows | 2 Comments »